That nameless feeling!
As far as possible, if am not in my “Mc World”, I’m alert and sentient of what’s happening around me and can very conveniently name everything I feel. Confusion is a state of being for me, but at the end of the day, I know I am decisive, even though slow, I do figure things for myself.
Off lately, my head is neurotically challenged. Impatient, apprehensive, cranky, lost, pensive, always. Almost anybody can be at the receiving end, no sympathies whatsoever. I’m emotionally confused, conscience overriding the sub conscience. I can’t explain it. It’s some kind of a strange pattern, where just for the sake of being, ‘m clinging on to a feeling I’m comfortable with. Putting the troublesome at the back of my head, but for how long...
I always wanted it. Didn’t know when, dint know who, but I always knew why. Somewhere deep down I knew it would change my life. For the better or worse, I don’t know. Nevertheless, I’m willing to take a risk. I dream and plan, and dream some more, only to be hit by reality flat on the face. Things never turn out to be the way it should. Destiny plays her own dirty games. It’s always a shock or a surprise. Weirdest sad-euphoric-stupid combination EVER - a surprise. They are dark, scary and it pops out with people and other things, and for one brilliant moment, it makes you look and feel like a complete idiot. Period.
I am drained, emotionally. Too drained to figure what that feeling is. I might also be avoiding it, considering my past moronic expeditions. I thought it’d be like skydiving. Adventurous, audacious, carefree, euphoric, breath taking, wherein things seem so picturesque initially and as we hit rock bottom, it gets clearer. I hope it does. I wish I wasn’t so aware of what’s happening. Its right there, I just have to grab it, if I want to. For once, I’m clueless, absolutely unsure - indecisive.
And - I - am - f--- a---l---l---i---n--- g .....